Did you ever have a time when you had so much to say – so much penned up in your heart – but you just couldn’t get it out? That is where I am at this day. God is trying to teach me something, as He always is, but I am just struggling to figure out what it is. I know I still am a child with so much to learn. I am trying to lean on Christ to do a work in my life, for I know that in my own strength I will surely fail.
We have had a situation this week that I would love to share, but am not a liberty to. All I can say is our family was anticipating a big change (No, not another child), but we just found out that door was closed. I was so looking forward to the change. I really really wanted it. We all did. We prayed for the Lord’s will, but it seemed so right for this to be the Lord’s will. And now we know it wasn’t. I would be lying to say that I am not disappointed. I am not disappointed in God, because I asked Him to give an definite answer and He did indeed. No, I am disappointed in myself. I let my guard down and became discontent with my own situation. I was hoping for something that wasn’t apparently God’s desire for me. And I despised what He has for me now. I was hoping to escape all the trials and struggles that are part of my life, but now they lie ever before me again. I wanted to get a fresh start – but I now find that God wants me, at least for now, to deal with the here and now.
There have been times, as I read God’s Word, that I have thought about how foolish the Israelites were. I mean, God DIRECTLY intervened and showed Himself to them countless times, yet they doubted. And complained. And forsook. And forgot. In my self-righteousness, I would think, “They are so stupid! I would remember all that God had done if I was them. I wouldn’t go to other idols and disobey Him so overtly.” I am sure at times we all have thought that. Now I find myself there.
YET GOD IS STILL PATIENT.
I do think He is probably giving a little sigh at me right now. “Leah, Leah, do we have to do this again?” Actually, He is perfect in His patience, so He is probably not. But that is what I would do.
It takes a conscious effort, but I will remember God’s goodness. I resolve now, again, to be content with what I have, with my circumstances, with the life that God has directed specifically for me. God will be my all-sufficiency, that is, He will be more than enough for me. No matter what.
God had Ezekiel condemn the prophets who were declaring what was in their own heart as God’s will. I think, to an extent, I was doing the same thing. I wanted this thing to be God’s will so much that I determined in my heart it must be so. In a perfect world and with a perfect heart, I would be able to pray for God’s will and have no leaning either way. I would just simply be content with whatever God did. But in my imperfect heart, I have my preferences. How many times do I – and consequently we – prayed for our preferences to be done rather than the Lord’s will? I admit it would be too numerous to count in my own life.
So basically, I need to return to contentment. I need to resign my life joyfully – which I earnestly do – to God’s PERFECT will, and not what I think would be best for me and my family.
I know this probably doesn’t make much sense. It is very heavy to write, and I am sure to read. But I do appreciate the chance to document what is in my heart and what God is doing in my life. Life isn’t always tulips and daffodils. Sometimes, it is unglamorous dirt and roots – nitty gritty stuff. In the end, though, it is the dirt and roots that lead to the beautiful flowers in our lives.
Thy will, O God, not mine, be done! I know Thy will is best;
If, sometimes otherwise it seems, I still believe and rest.
Thy will, O God not mine, be done! Choose Thou for me my way;
If I should try to walk alone, my feet would surely stray.
Thy will, O God, not mine be done! I cannot see afar,
The things that lie beyond my sight, Thou seest as they are.
Thy will, O God, not mine, be done! Whatever this may bring;
In trials, whether great or small, Thy will in everything.
Thy will is best, ’tis there I rest in shadow or in sun,
My prayer to Thee shall ever be; Thy perfect will be done.