My sister had her baby yesterday. A little girl. Of course, I got to the hospital as soon as I could. Entered the room. Washed my hands and sanitized. Baby Madelyn was asleep in her little bassinet, but no matter. I picked her up and it began again…
“She’s so little… Ethan is so beefy compared to her.”
“Well, he is nine months older.”
“Yeah, but wow!”
She is beautiful. Round, wrinkly and pink. Thick brown hair. Just a little thing. Knowing nothing. Dependent completely upon her mommy and daddy to protect and care for her in every way. Nervous mommy on the other hand – just as beautiful, but frazzled. I know the thoughts that new moms think.
“Am I ready for this?”
“Is this it? Am I done?”
“What’s the world going to be like when she gets older?”
The memories of having children comes back to me. It was only nine months since I had Ethan. He’s grown up so much in those few months. I am not ready for more right now, but with every new baby the thought creeps into my head – “Am I ready to be done having children?” And I have no answer. I love my children. I love having children. I am ready for a break at this time, but do I want to close the door on that stage of my life… forever?
To be honest, I cannot say either way. Neither can Stephen. We will rely on the Lord to lead us in this area, as in all areas of our life together. And I find it funny that neither one of us will say, “No, I think we are done.” We very readily say, “We are definitely not having any more right now.” But to end it all is just too hard to think about. We love being parents. We have said before, if the Lord ever blessed us with enough finances to do it, we would definitely have more.
So little Madelyn makes the question loom in my head once again as large as life. I can guarantee, in a day or two it will dissipate and just go to the back of my mind once again. But it will creep out every time I see a new little babe. I think I will just enjoy the ones God has given me right now, and not worry about it…. what do you think?